What are the symptoms of an illness you can't see?

I've lived with this condition for a long time and this post is a fairly bleak but honest account of some of the things I experience. 

What is Depression? 

In my last post, I explained that depression is not sadness, it's a complicated disease that causes physical and emotional effects on an individual. That goes some way to explaining what it isn't, but it doesn't really define what it actually is. Unfortunately, like many mental health conditions, the symptoms of this horrible illness can vary so much from person to person that it's difficult to give a simple definition. I'm going to try and explain my own experiences which might give you an insight in to what this condition does to people.

Low mood:

Sadness is part of it, but it's more than that. When life makes you feel sad, it's horrible, but try to imagine feeling sad for absolutely no reason you can think of. I can remember being given a free ticket to watch one of my best friend's bands support the Wailers in Newcastle. As I stood in the middle of the crowd, his arm around my shoulder, listening to the crowd singing along to "Three Little Birds" I felt nothing but emptiness and isolation. As everybody sang the words "cos, every little thing's going to be alright!" I couldn't have felt any lower. All around me were smiling faces and cheerful voices, yet all I could feel was misery and a sense that I didn't  belong there. At the time, I was living with my partner of several years, and although I wasn't working, I was well supported. There didn't seem to be any reason, at that moment at least, for me to feel miserable. Yet there I was, with a bitter lump in my throat, trying to force smiles at friends I had known for almost 20 years.

Social Anxiety:

Unfortunately, when it  came to social events and things I had previously enjoyed, I suddenly started feeling massive levels of anxiety based around practical things like explaining why I couldn't go to work or the fact that all I had managed to do that day was lie in bed and cry. The fact is, most of my friends would either not ask me about things like that or be supportive when they did, but in my head, in my anxiety riddled head, they would screech insults at me and tell me to get a grip. The anticipation was usually worse than actually going to a social event but at times, and this still happens, I can feel so out of place and inexplicably anxious that I can't even follow the conversation.

Lack of enjoyment of activities:

At this point, solitary activities like writing, gaming or my other chosen pass-time, DJing can seem like more appealing options than socialising. To be fair, even when I'm feeling ok, this can be the case but there's a big difference between choosing isolation to give yourself some you time and feeling as if it's your only option. Unfortunately, when depression, anxiety or both decide to take hold of me, solitary things bring me no pleasure either. I can spend hours, literally full days mixing records, playing computer games or writing things when I feel ok, but when I'm in the grips of depression everything I do feels pointless, tiring and more effort than its worth. On the worst days, that can include getting out of bed or leaving the house.

Digestive problems:

This one is probably more to do with anxiety than depression but as anybody who has suffered with the condition will know, the two often go hand in hand, like some kind of brutal, unforgiving tag team. This surprised me. Thinking that mental health was exclusively to do with the mind, rather than the body, meant that when I got stomach cramps, digestive problems and more, I thought this could be some kind of allergic reaction or another type of illness. After doing some research and speaking to my GP I managed to find out that anxiety can impact on the body as negatively as the mind. On top of this, my appetite can fluctuate between practically nonexistent to never satisfied depending on the day. A sense of routine can help at times, but not always.

Aches and Pains:

Similarly, when I felt my arms and legs ache as if I had the flu, I wondered if I had come down with some kind of virus. When I found myself physically struggling to get out of bed and sweating from the exertion of just tidying the house, I started to realise that this was all linked to my mental health. I felt so heavy and lethargic that my limbs ached as if I had been exercising; something I felt I could not manage to do, even if you paid me. My head pounded and my stomach gurgled, yet there were and still are millions of people out there who truly believe that this illness is "all in my head" and that I should "man up." Whatever that means. Can you "woman up?" I think they might be better at it,  whatever it is. The point is, no amount of teeth gritting or wilful ignorance could make the physical pain and discomfort I was and do experience go away.  

Forgetfulness, clumsiness and loss of the ability think quickly:

Although everybody can have bad days, this goes way beyond that. This symptom can be so acute that I suddenly become severely clumsy, to the point where I break things and find it difficult to remember things people have only just told me. I'm not sure whether this is related to depression, anxiety or both, but when I'm at my worst, I struggle so much with this that I feel like I can barely function. These are the days I need to take off work. I've left gas rings on, put keys in the fridge, forgotten about meeting people, even doctor's appointments. It's as if the anxious part of my brain has taken over my subconscious, meaning that all I can do is bumble around in an unproductive stupor. In some ways, this is actually what is happening. The hippocampus, which is the part of the brain that deals with memory and emotion, physically shrinks when a person has depression. In this sense, the condition is as much physical as it is "mental." This goes some way to explaining the unpredictable patterns of behaviour and mood that define so many people's experience of this horrific illness. Although it is both painful and difficult to admit, I feel utterly empty on some days, inexplicably angry on others and desperately miserable on others. The most difficult days are when those three feelings battle for space in my head. Again, these days are the ones where I seriously struggle to function. The presence of numbing SSRI's can both help and hinder this. I have no idea if they're even helping any more but my current dose of 20mg of citalopram seems to even me out enough to eat, wash and survive, even on the days I have thoughts of self harm and worse.

I decided to share this post to let people know what some of the symptoms of depression can be. It's not a definitive list and I can only recount my own experiences, but if you can relate to this, please share it. Eventually, everybody will understand that mental health is not just about what goes on inside a person's head.