Identifying negative thoughts as they happen.

When you've lived with depression for a while, you might be able to start identifying negative thought patterns. It's extremely difficult and it involves questioning what feels like an instinctive reaction to your surroundings or situation. For example, you've had a fairly standard day at work, nothing went wrong and there's no major crisis on the horizon, yet all you can think about is what you would like to say to people you have argued with in the past. The thoughts take over so much that you get angry and fidgety, after that you get anxious because you want to be able to control your thoughts but you can't. As anybody who has had therapy will tell you, when people talk about this sort of thing using the word "you" they really mean "I." I experience these things frequently and they take a massive amount of time consuming, energy draining effort to get over. Today, after I finished work, my thoughts seemed uncontrollable and fluctuated between extreme anger at trivial situations in my personal life and deep sadness that left me on the brink of tears. Nothing I can think of has triggered this, but unfortunately, I expect to feel like this for the rest of the day. 

I have been waiting to hear from an NHS psychologist for almost a year and the service that I have been referred to in the mean time is well meaning but fairly new, meaning that it isn't organised as well as it could be. I was promised four telephone counselling sessions with a therapist but have yet to hear anything. Searching for drug free treatment that doesn't cost more than somebody who is struggling to survive on a series of sporadic zero hour contracts can afford could be a full time job in itself. Unfortunately, as anybody without the benefit of significant financial support will understand, the reality of living with depression and anxiety means balancing an often mentally or physically draining job with the rest of your self care, alongside a social life, relationships and the other things that make up your life. This can be extremely difficult on good days but on days like this, it feels almost impossible. 

What I have learned to do through a combination of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and my own research, is identify negative thoughts as they arise or shortly afterwards. My coping strategy unfortunately involves withdrawing from social situations and communicating with as few people as possible to minimise the risk of me saying or doing something I regret. In the past, before I learned to identify negative thoughts, they would control my actions before I realised what was happening, often leaving me in a state of guilt or embarrassment once I had processed them. Action is usually a positive thing when coping with a health problem but in this case, it seems as if not acting on my thoughts is the safest way to get through an episode of extreme depression or anxiety. Identifying why I feel the way I do can take a lot of time and rigorous analysis of my own, often alarming thoughts can be as damaging as it can be productive, depending on the day. Rather than dwelling on the negativity, I try to observe the thoughts happening in an objective way. This is extremely difficult and can unfortunately take up most of your free time, which inevitably leads to more negative thoughts. It seems reasonable to have thoughts like "why is everybody else enjoying their free time while I have to spend mine preventing myself from hurting myself or lashing out at people around me?" I really wish I had a more pleasant answer but that is unfortunately what it takes. Taking control of this horrible condition requires dedication and grit beyond the levels that most people will ever have to muster. Support from loved ones can be extremely helpful, too, but if you feel like I do on days like this, you will struggle to verbalise what you are feeling, let alone why. 

Writing this blog post has been quite cathartic and I although I don't feel any better emotionally or physically, I do take some comfort from the fact that these posts might help other people who suffer with this kind of condition. If you can learn to identify negative thoughts that are disconnected from your everyday life before you act on them, you have made a massive leap forward. Around three years ago, if I started to feel this way, it would lead to weeks of blazing arguments with my partner, thoughts of self harm and suicide plus an eventual collapse due to physical and mental exhaustion. At the moment, I feel terrible but I am fairly certain that this feeling will pass and that it is a symptom of my illness, rather than how I really feel. If I'm honest, it is absolutely terrifying. To those who have never experienced a mental health problem, try to imagine feeling such hate and resentment for those close to you for no good reason you can think of. Also, try to imagine feeling such misery that you can't enjoy even the most simple of pleasures like eating food or watching TV. Everything seems grey and lifeless but you have no idea why. The most frustrating part about this illness is that you want to be able to explain that an event at work or a problem you've been dwelling on is to blame for these feelings but you can't. The feelings are just there. As Steven Fry, a man who has famously battled mental health problems all of his life, once said:

“If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.

Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.” 

If this post helped you or made you feel like somebody else understands what you are going through, I have done what I intended to do. This was written in about 15-20 minutes with no edits so I hope it makes sense. Although I am aiming to work as a professional writer, I feel this blog is more authentic if I allow myself to write down my thoughts as they happen. Thanks for reading and I hope you can find the strength to get through another day.