Identifying negative thoughts as they happen.

When you've lived with depression for a while, you might be able to start identifying negative thought patterns. It's extremely difficult and it involves questioning what feels like an instinctive reaction to your surroundings or situation. For example, you've had a fairly standard day at work, nothing went wrong and there's no major crisis on the horizon, yet all you can think about is what you would like to say to people you have argued with in the past. The thoughts take over so much that you get angry and fidgety, after that you get anxious because you want to be able to control your thoughts but you can't. As anybody who has had therapy will tell you, when people talk about this sort of thing using the word "you" they really mean "I." I experience these things frequently and they take a massive amount of time consuming, energy draining effort to get over. Today, after I finished work, my thoughts seemed uncontrollable and fluctuated between extreme anger at trivial situations in my personal life and deep sadness that left me on the brink of tears. Nothing I can think of has triggered this, but unfortunately, I expect to feel like this for the rest of the day. 

I have been waiting to hear from an NHS psychologist for almost a year and the service that I have been referred to in the mean time is well meaning but fairly new, meaning that it isn't organised as well as it could be. I was promised four telephone counselling sessions with a therapist but have yet to hear anything. Searching for drug free treatment that doesn't cost more than somebody who is struggling to survive on a series of sporadic zero hour contracts can afford could be a full time job in itself. Unfortunately, as anybody without the benefit of significant financial support will understand, the reality of living with depression and anxiety means balancing an often mentally or physically draining job with the rest of your self care, alongside a social life, relationships and the other things that make up your life. This can be extremely difficult on good days but on days like this, it feels almost impossible. 

What I have learned to do through a combination of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and my own research, is identify negative thoughts as they arise or shortly afterwards. My coping strategy unfortunately involves withdrawing from social situations and communicating with as few people as possible to minimise the risk of me saying or doing something I regret. In the past, before I learned to identify negative thoughts, they would control my actions before I realised what was happening, often leaving me in a state of guilt or embarrassment once I had processed them. Action is usually a positive thing when coping with a health problem but in this case, it seems as if not acting on my thoughts is the safest way to get through an episode of extreme depression or anxiety. Identifying why I feel the way I do can take a lot of time and rigorous analysis of my own, often alarming thoughts can be as damaging as it can be productive, depending on the day. Rather than dwelling on the negativity, I try to observe the thoughts happening in an objective way. This is extremely difficult and can unfortunately take up most of your free time, which inevitably leads to more negative thoughts. It seems reasonable to have thoughts like "why is everybody else enjoying their free time while I have to spend mine preventing myself from hurting myself or lashing out at people around me?" I really wish I had a more pleasant answer but that is unfortunately what it takes. Taking control of this horrible condition requires dedication and grit beyond the levels that most people will ever have to muster. Support from loved ones can be extremely helpful, too, but if you feel like I do on days like this, you will struggle to verbalise what you are feeling, let alone why. 

Writing this blog post has been quite cathartic and I although I don't feel any better emotionally or physically, I do take some comfort from the fact that these posts might help other people who suffer with this kind of condition. If you can learn to identify negative thoughts that are disconnected from your everyday life before you act on them, you have made a massive leap forward. Around three years ago, if I started to feel this way, it would lead to weeks of blazing arguments with my partner, thoughts of self harm and suicide plus an eventual collapse due to physical and mental exhaustion. At the moment, I feel terrible but I am fairly certain that this feeling will pass and that it is a symptom of my illness, rather than how I really feel. If I'm honest, it is absolutely terrifying. To those who have never experienced a mental health problem, try to imagine feeling such hate and resentment for those close to you for no good reason you can think of. Also, try to imagine feeling such misery that you can't enjoy even the most simple of pleasures like eating food or watching TV. Everything seems grey and lifeless but you have no idea why. The most frustrating part about this illness is that you want to be able to explain that an event at work or a problem you've been dwelling on is to blame for these feelings but you can't. The feelings are just there. As Steven Fry, a man who has famously battled mental health problems all of his life, once said:

“If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.

Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.” 

If this post helped you or made you feel like somebody else understands what you are going through, I have done what I intended to do. This was written in about 15-20 minutes with no edits so I hope it makes sense. Although I am aiming to work as a professional writer, I feel this blog is more authentic if I allow myself to write down my thoughts as they happen. Thanks for reading and I hope you can find the strength to get through another day. 

 

What are the symptoms of an illness you can't see?

I've lived with this condition for a long time and this post is a fairly bleak but honest account of some of the things I experience. 

What is Depression? 

In my last post, I explained that depression is not sadness, it's a complicated disease that causes physical and emotional effects on an individual. That goes some way to explaining what it isn't, but it doesn't really define what it actually is. Unfortunately, like many mental health conditions, the symptoms of this horrible illness can vary so much from person to person that it's difficult to give a simple definition. I'm going to try and explain my own experiences which might give you an insight in to what this condition does to people.

Low mood:

Sadness is part of it, but it's more than that. When life makes you feel sad, it's horrible, but try to imagine feeling sad for absolutely no reason you can think of. I can remember being given a free ticket to watch one of my best friend's bands support the Wailers in Newcastle. As I stood in the middle of the crowd, his arm around my shoulder, listening to the crowd singing along to "Three Little Birds" I felt nothing but emptiness and isolation. As everybody sang the words "cos, every little thing's going to be alright!" I couldn't have felt any lower. All around me were smiling faces and cheerful voices, yet all I could feel was misery and a sense that I didn't  belong there. At the time, I was living with my partner of several years, and although I wasn't working, I was well supported. There didn't seem to be any reason, at that moment at least, for me to feel miserable. Yet there I was, with a bitter lump in my throat, trying to force smiles at friends I had known for almost 20 years.

Social Anxiety:

Unfortunately, when it  came to social events and things I had previously enjoyed, I suddenly started feeling massive levels of anxiety based around practical things like explaining why I couldn't go to work or the fact that all I had managed to do that day was lie in bed and cry. The fact is, most of my friends would either not ask me about things like that or be supportive when they did, but in my head, in my anxiety riddled head, they would screech insults at me and tell me to get a grip. The anticipation was usually worse than actually going to a social event but at times, and this still happens, I can feel so out of place and inexplicably anxious that I can't even follow the conversation.

Lack of enjoyment of activities:

At this point, solitary activities like writing, gaming or my other chosen pass-time, DJing can seem like more appealing options than socialising. To be fair, even when I'm feeling ok, this can be the case but there's a big difference between choosing isolation to give yourself some you time and feeling as if it's your only option. Unfortunately, when depression, anxiety or both decide to take hold of me, solitary things bring me no pleasure either. I can spend hours, literally full days mixing records, playing computer games or writing things when I feel ok, but when I'm in the grips of depression everything I do feels pointless, tiring and more effort than its worth. On the worst days, that can include getting out of bed or leaving the house.

Digestive problems:

This one is probably more to do with anxiety than depression but as anybody who has suffered with the condition will know, the two often go hand in hand, like some kind of brutal, unforgiving tag team. This surprised me. Thinking that mental health was exclusively to do with the mind, rather than the body, meant that when I got stomach cramps, digestive problems and more, I thought this could be some kind of allergic reaction or another type of illness. After doing some research and speaking to my GP I managed to find out that anxiety can impact on the body as negatively as the mind. On top of this, my appetite can fluctuate between practically nonexistent to never satisfied depending on the day. A sense of routine can help at times, but not always.

Aches and Pains:

Similarly, when I felt my arms and legs ache as if I had the flu, I wondered if I had come down with some kind of virus. When I found myself physically struggling to get out of bed and sweating from the exertion of just tidying the house, I started to realise that this was all linked to my mental health. I felt so heavy and lethargic that my limbs ached as if I had been exercising; something I felt I could not manage to do, even if you paid me. My head pounded and my stomach gurgled, yet there were and still are millions of people out there who truly believe that this illness is "all in my head" and that I should "man up." Whatever that means. Can you "woman up?" I think they might be better at it,  whatever it is. The point is, no amount of teeth gritting or wilful ignorance could make the physical pain and discomfort I was and do experience go away.  

Forgetfulness, clumsiness and loss of the ability think quickly:

Although everybody can have bad days, this goes way beyond that. This symptom can be so acute that I suddenly become severely clumsy, to the point where I break things and find it difficult to remember things people have only just told me. I'm not sure whether this is related to depression, anxiety or both, but when I'm at my worst, I struggle so much with this that I feel like I can barely function. These are the days I need to take off work. I've left gas rings on, put keys in the fridge, forgotten about meeting people, even doctor's appointments. It's as if the anxious part of my brain has taken over my subconscious, meaning that all I can do is bumble around in an unproductive stupor. In some ways, this is actually what is happening. The hippocampus, which is the part of the brain that deals with memory and emotion, physically shrinks when a person has depression. In this sense, the condition is as much physical as it is "mental." This goes some way to explaining the unpredictable patterns of behaviour and mood that define so many people's experience of this horrific illness. Although it is both painful and difficult to admit, I feel utterly empty on some days, inexplicably angry on others and desperately miserable on others. The most difficult days are when those three feelings battle for space in my head. Again, these days are the ones where I seriously struggle to function. The presence of numbing SSRI's can both help and hinder this. I have no idea if they're even helping any more but my current dose of 20mg of citalopram seems to even me out enough to eat, wash and survive, even on the days I have thoughts of self harm and worse.

I decided to share this post to let people know what some of the symptoms of depression can be. It's not a definitive list and I can only recount my own experiences, but if you can relate to this, please share it. Eventually, everybody will understand that mental health is not just about what goes on inside a person's head.

 

The worst vice is advice.

I was diagnosed with depression in 2009 and anxiety soon followed. Having lost a 9 year relationship, several professional jobs and a number of friends due to the effects of the condition, I now consider it my most defining feature. After enduring thoughts of suicide, several episodes of self harm and numerous panic attacks, the idea of this life limiting condition being something that I could just shrug off and get over became as ridiculous as asking a terminal cancer patient to look on the bright side. Having lost a close friend to cancer at the age of 33 and another friend to depression related suicide at 34, I have experienced the trauma that physical and mental illness cause and there isn't really much between them. When somebody you love dies as the result of an illness, it hurts in the same way. 

After seeing numerous therapists and trying two different types of antidepressants, I am still battling with my condition every day. Alongside the condition itself, I also battle ignorance. People have said things like "yeah, but you laugh when you watch comedy and you smile when you eat nice food, you mustn't be sad all the time." Those who have depression will probably be silently seething as they read that, those who have no experience of it will be wondering what the problem is. Depression is not sadness. That's something that needs to be firmly established. It's a complicated disease that causes physical and emotional problems that dramatically impact on a person's ability to function. Being able to laugh at a comedy show or smile when you taste a well cooked meal doesn't mean you're suddenly ok, it just means for that moment, you are enjoying the thing that you're experiencing. The brick wall of negativity and lethargy that prevents you from getting out of bed or going to a social event is always there. Sometimes it's just a little bit easier to climb over than others.

My friends and family have been as supportive as they could possibly be and I feel lucky to know so many people who tell me they can be there for me in times of crisis. Unfortunately, unless you have experienced depression and anxiety, it's almost impossible to conceive what it really feels like. This is where the advice and suggestions will come in. Have you tried running? painting? meditating? It might help you feel better if you join a gym! The well meaning suggestions are relentless and quite frankly, exhausting. Although the resources available for mental health treatment are stretched at the moment, I will always favour my GP's advice over that of a misguided but well meaning friend. 

At this point, I have learned to recognise some of my symptoms. Among many others, they are: Clumsiness, forgetfulness, self doubt and criticism that goes beyond every day neurosis. I often try to discuss these symptoms with friends in order to help myself organise my thoughts. Although it might not seem like much, it is absolutely devastating when somebody tells me "that happens to all of us, mate." It feels as if all of the work I have done to identify the physical and emotional symptoms of my condition was completely futile. It sends me back to the start of this horrible journey when I thought you could get over a mental health problem by just "getting on with it." You can't. I am currently on a waiting list for high intensity therapy as well as some medication but in the mean time, I am reliant on my GP and the support of my friends and family. 

What I will suggest, is that if you are helping somebody get through depression, anxiety or worse, both, please try to listen to them. That's something that is said a lot when mental health problems are mentioned, but few seem to understand what it really means. Just listening and empathising, without offering suggestions or advice is the most effective form of support I have ever been given. One or two people who have been through the situation themselves have done this for me and it felt incredible. As I waited for the rundown of "things I can try" like a sledgehammer made of well intentioned advice, a glorious silence descended on the room and my friend just sat there. He told me he wished he could make it go away but he couldn't. He also told me that any time I wanted to talk about how I was feeling, he would listen. That sounds like almost nothing, but it is more helpful and supportive than any suggestion you could possibly think of.

Hello

I've decided to start blogging about my own experiences of depression and anxiety. I've found some excellent writing on the subject and having been through several years of dealing with these conditions, I thought I would offer my own thoughts. I hope it helps or at least gives you some kind of perspective in terms of what depression and anxiety is and what you can do to support yourself or somebody else who may be going through it.

I can't promise I'll make regular updates, but as this is something that effects me every single day, there's a good chance I'll post on here quite regularly.

If you write about this sort of thing yourself, I'll be happy to share some of your writing on the subject as well. If you are experiencing this sort of thing but feel like you can't find the words to express how you feel, I'd be happy to try and help you do that as well, so feel free to drop me a line.

Most of all, if you are going through depression and anxiety, know that you are not alone and that there is support available.