Happy New Year.

After a year that's given us more celebrity deaths than Mars Attacks and the kind of news stories that belong on Chris Morris' "Brass Eye" it seems reasonable that a lot of people are feeling miserable. As I've said in this blog before, misery and depression are completely separate things, but if you already have a mental health condition, a year like this can really tip the scales at times.

We know 2016 has been bad, though. I'm sick of hearing how bad it's been. I was there, I remember the sick, panicky feeling in my stomach the morning after hordes of angry people voted for Brexit. I don't usually feel like that unless my anxiety decides to kick in, life events pass by to moderate or nonchalant reactions due to the numbing effect of citalopram, but that morning I felt sick, just from watching the news. I'm sure a lot of other people felt the same. The less said about our religious, grey faced and hyper patriotic leader, the better and let's just not even go there when it comes to the other guy. You know. The orange one who's a bit grabby and racist. Lives in America. Terrible man. Terrible, terrible man.

What I'd like to do is offer some positivity. If you know me or if you've read this blog before, you'll know I'm not a fan of sweeping statements and over emotive quotes on social media. Similarly, the huge number of self care posts that seem to suggest an imbalance in brain chemistry coupled with traumatic events or injury can be fixed by eating chocolate and having a bubble bath are extremely irritating. That said, I want to try and stay positive against the odds. So no more criticism in this post, there will be plenty time for that next year.

This year, I left a terrible job in a callcentre. I initially felt like a failure as I lay in bed, numb from Valium and no sleep. Surely I should have been able to manage something as basic as data entry in a cell centre? No. I couldn't. My brain shut down, it became so anxious I felt sick and the noise of people chattering around me meant I couldn't concentrate on anything. My doctor signed me off and urged me to find a new job, ideally something I actually enjoy, at least some of the time.

I went back to supply teaching/learning support. It was ok. Badly paid and boring if I'm honest. I had no passion for it and the less said about the state of the education system in the UK, the better. I was a teacher of one form or another for years but it never felt right for me. It's so restrictive. The nature of the role means you're scrutinised and expected to be a model human. I'm not a shining example of moral and educational excellence, I enjoy a life that contains many, many things that would be considered "NSFW" and I eventually realised, I'm fine with that. So I left. I started freelancing. It wasn't the most interesting job, but it gave me the experience of writing stuff for money (alongside a lot of admin) as well as managing my own work load. It was tough, but compared to waking up feeling sick with anxiety at the thought of having to make small talk in an office, it was much, much better.

After the job ended I did another short stint of supply teaching/support to get by. Then something snapped. I realised I had to change something, so I decided to start my own online writing business. It's still in it's early stages and if I'm honest, I'm terrified about the uncertainty the future holds when I think about it, but I needed to make a change. After researching other content writers who work from home, I realised a lot of people do this. There's money to be made. Not mega bucks but I've never been especially driven by cash anyway. Enjoying my life always seemed more important. After losing two friends who were under the age of 35, I started to question that horrific daily grind and the misery it brings. I'm not doing it any more. Instead, I'm trying to convince myself that I can be a successful online content writer that works from home. I've got some experience now and I can string a sentence together without too much difficulty, so I think I've got a good chance of making this work.
If it doesn't work, there are other options. Working for agencies, part time bar work with occasional writing work alongside. DJing work if I can get it.
I'm probably the most skint I've ever been but now that I'm seeing a proper clinical psychologist, living in a city I love with people I love, I'm genuinely starting to feel the faint flickers of the flame of positivity. So no more complaining about the horrific year behind us. I need to focus on what could go well, what opportunities are ahead and how much better I can potentially feel. If you're with me and you support me, thank you. If you aren't, please take your negativity and go elsewhere. I don't have the time or the strength to deal with happiness theives  any more.

Good luck with whatever you are doing in 2017 and if you suffer with mental health issues, I wish you the strength to carry on and overcome.
X

Merry Christmas

When anxiety decides it wants to mess your life up, it doesn't negotiate. I've spent the whole of today feeling as if I'm about to go in to an important job interview or deliver a presentation to 500 people.What I'm actually preparing to do is so simple and innocuous I feel utterly ridiculous for reacting like this. I'm going to visit my family and friends for Christmas. That's it. I have a brilliant relationship with my family and friends. I don't feel like I have to hide anything or pretend to be happy, as so many who suffer with mental issues do, but despite all of my rationalising and analysis of a situation that should be one of the highlights of my year, I've barely been able to function today.

This time of year can be so difficult due to the dark days and the terrible weather but these things are to be expected. If you're a bit of a cynic, like me, the glittering turd that is the media's representation of Christmas can wear you down with its promises of purchasing based joy. I'm sort of used to all of those things now, though. The thing that takes me by surprise every time is that no matter how hard I try to feel good about this time of year, no matter how many times I explain how simple and easy the situation really is to myself, my body and brain are flooded with adrenaline and cortisol. I'm primed to argue, fight or escape. None of the things I really want to do at Christmas. I'd rather just relax with my friends and enjoy seeing my family. For me, there are some external factors at play, here. I have recently decided to start an online writing business, so the stress and uncertainty of that will probably be an issue. I've also just started seeing a psychologist after two years on a waiting list. The sessions have been intense and tiring, but incredibly enlightening. Despite what all those soft focus pictures emblazoned with comic sans text that people post on social media may try and tell you, according to science, depression and anxiety are not choices, they are illness caused by chemical imbalances in the brain.

Knowing this gives me a sense of relief in some ways. As you can imagine, I don't actually feel any better and I still get incredibly frustrated with myself when I don't feel like I'm in control of the way I feel. Tonight, I was supposed to be going to meet some friends for drinks and Arcade based fun but considering it's taken me around four hours to get out of bed, I just can't face it. Once again, my friends are excellent and told me not to worry about it. I find that when I'm 100% honest with the people I care about, they understand why I might cancel plans. Although I can't help but blame myself, they don't, which means a lot to me.

If I frame the last two years objectively, things have been good. I've moved to a new city, made new friends, secured myself DJ gigs and worked in a few different jobs. Now I'm starting my own business with the hope of leaving the 9-5 office lifestyle behind for good. Logically, there's very little reason for me to feel the way I do, but as I've said before in this blog. Depression and anxiety are not rational or logical.

So for tonight, I'm packing for a trip back up North that I will no doubt enjoy immensely. I'm DJing to a crowd of people who love my music, I get see my 1 year old nephew who finds me hilarious and I also get to catch up with my family, who are as supportive and patient as you can imagine. All I need to do now is wait for the feeling that I'm about to deliver bad news to a crowd of people armed with bricks and bottles to dissipate. I don't think I've said anything especially new here but I'm fairly sure there will be a lot of people out there who feel this way around this time of year. So whatever you're doing, I hope you stay alive, stay safe and get through this weird thing we call Christmas.

This isn't exactly a laugh a minute.

I already hate doing this blog and it's been less than year. It's not just the sense of obligation or the draining process of recalling how I've actually been feeling over the past few weeks, it's the world of depression based writing that makes me so reluctant to do this on a regular basis. The internet is now awash with good news stories, tips and saccharine sweet quotes, dripping in the same kind of relentless, inflexible positivity that defines totalitarian propaganda. It is possible to recover from this, I'm fairly certain. Unfortunately, the complexities of this illness vary from person to person and if CBT or medication can't fix you quickly, finding in depth, ongoing medical treatment that doesn't cost more than somebody who relies on sporadic work and badly managed benefits can afford is a painfully slow process.

 After almost two years on a waiting list, several temporary jobs I was forced to take in order to survive and a couple of house moves, I still don't feel any better. The worst part is, I've started to accept this is just how I feel. If I have a difficult day at work, which is pretty much whenever I go to work, I need to go bed at about 9pm to try and recover. The panic I feel before leaving the house is exhausting and the instability of my working life makes that worse. Having completed an internship and a few months as a freelance content writer, I've had a taste of the kind of work I enjoy and I intend to pursue it until I'm making a decent living from writing in one capacity or another. In the mean time, I am registered with several different temp agencies and signing on to get universal credit, though I'm yet to actually see any money. I'd like to wake up every morning with some kind of powerful slogan in my head and the drive and focus to behave like they do in advert land, but life isn't like that, not in reality.

At 35, I've had professional jobs, long term relationships, experienced the death of close friends and family as well as the crippling and life defining illness that is depression mixed with anxiety. As much as I want to agree with all of the articles that urge me not to let depression define who I am, the reality I exist in means that I don't have a choice. Some days I feel so miserable, tired and lethargic that I can't work. There's no pattern and often no catalyst, but every now and then, I can't function. It's that simple. I'd like to make a guarantees to employers but I can't. I want to work and ideally work in a full time, professional role, but my health means I can't guarantee I'll be well enough to work all the time. What happens if I feel so ill I can't come to work more than four or fives times in a couple of months? That looks bad. Sick days run out, holidays are declined and those ominous "one to one" meetings with a line manager start to happen. Their hands are tied, its company policy, ill people aren't cost effective.

I need in depth psychological therapy provided by a highly qualified professional due to the nature of my condition. I surmised this through years of private therapy which I can no longer afford as well as fairly extensive research. I know what I need to do and it's difficult, complicated and painful but I believe it will ultimately grant me the depth of understanding needed to start overcoming this once and for all. Until that point, I need to survive through a combination of good will from friends and family, medication and self help groups that I am technically not allowed to attend while on a waiting list as they are still classed as "therapeutic intervention."  (Yes, this is true. After a recent visit to a mindfulness workshop, followed by a concerned phonecall from the practitioner, I was told my scores from the survey indicated severe depression but as I was already on a waiting list to see a psychologist, I was prohibited from engaging in other treatment options.) I have very little fight left, to be honest. I want to imagine my life getting better, but while I lack the energy and the emotional stability to cope with every day life, I just can't picture it. Reading articles about running, eating fruit and vegetables or meditating can be helpful and I try to do all of these things. Unfortunately, their effect is limited. Like taking a paracetamol for a massive gaping head wound. It takes the edge off, but you still get the feeling something's not quite right, if you know what I mean.

I'll keep applying for jobs, I'll keep asking the doctor when I'll be seen by a psychologist and I'll keep taking the SSRIs that make everything feel neutral. I have literally no idea what I'm supposed to do next. Sorry for being a downer, but this is the reality of living with depression and no amount of cupcakes, romantic comedies or jogging will fix it.

Waiting.

You've probably read hundreds of articles bellowing about the inadequacy of the current standard of mental health services, but that's for a good reason. Around three months ago I was referred to a mindfulness course by one of the organisations who provide mental health services in Manchester. Unfortunately, this is yet to materialise and honestly, I've dealt with three different sub organisations under the heading of "self help services" and I can't remember which one it was who I was speaking to. Having undergone two separate phone assessments for different organisations acting on behalf of mental health services in Manchester just in one week, I don't feel I have the energy or patience to chase this up now. I'm currently on an extremely long waiting list for in depth psychotherapy with a clinical psychologist, things like the mindfulness course and the six week blocks of cognitive behavioural therapy are short term treatment options that can be extremely useful to bridge the gap during the extended waiting periods nearly all mental health patients experience now. This obviously only works if the treatment option is actually offered and carried out by the service provider.

Now that several different agencies offer "support" for the NHS, the incongruous and disjointed nature of experiencing treatment options such as talking therapy, mindfulness or other non drug based treatment is a common stress factor for many people in my position. I've been fighting depression for around 8 years. I've had to leave jobs, relationships have ended, I've moved to a new city and I'm attempting to start a new career. These life events are stressful in their own right, without the added confusion of dealing with inadequate mental health services who don't appear to communicate with each other very effectively. 

Like many people, I've been taking citalopram for over three years now and it's numbing effects generally do prevent me from feeling consistently suicidal or so low that I can't function. Saying that, some days are still too much of a struggle and there are days I can't get out of bed. SSRIs like citalopram generally work best when combined with effective talking therapy. I am willing to do as much of this as it takes to make me feel well again and I've had some success with private therapy in the past. Unfortunately, I haven't got much money. Several years in and out of employment due to a severe mental health condition will do that, you see. So that option is no longer available to me. I'm losing so much faith in our current system of support that where I would once have been enraged at the ineptitude of the multiple service providers and the NHS, I now feel nothing but weary acceptance of the fact that there isn't enough money to help people like me. If I didn't have my friends and family, I would be dead. It's that simple. If something doesn't change very soon, a lot more people will lose their lives to a treatable and manageable condition that we as a society are unable to cope with. 

Self Care

Self care is a term we hear a lot now when mental health is mentioned on social media. What does it mean, though? What some would consider avoidance, others would view as a healthy activity that allows a person to take time out from the exhausting daily battle of living with a mental illness.

Essentially, what we're talking about is doing something that makes you feel good. When I first went to the doctors and was given a sick note for three weeks because of "stress at work" one of the most memorable things he said to me was "you need to do whatever it is that makes you feel good." As my "stress at work" gradually developed in to full blown severe depression followed by a steadily worsening anxiety, I started to realise that not many things do make me feel good these days. This isn't surprising considering one of the main symptoms of depression is to lose interest in things. So how do you provide yourself with one day of self care let alone #365daysofselfcare when you seem to have lost interest in everything? It's incredibly difficult. In fact, it's so difficult that if you don't have any personal experience of battling with depression, I'm not sure you can understand. Try to imagine hearing your favourite song but instead of feeling the emotions that gave it a special place in your life, you feel nothing or worse, you feel negative.

I'm going to stop at this point. Partly to change paragraphs as this bloggy style of writing does have a tendency to degenerate in to an unstructured rant, but mainly to emphasise what I've just said and to ask you to think about it really carefully. Try to imagine hearing your favourite song but instead of feeling some form of pleasure, you feel nothing, or worse, you feel negative. It's difficult, isn't it? How could that song not make you feel pleasure? One reason could be that the hippocampus, the part of your brain that deals with memory and emotion has started to shrink. Recent studies have shown this happens to people who suffer from depression and anxiety. This physical change can lead to significant disturbances in cognitive function and changes the way we process our emotions, so instead of feeling good about something we once enjoyed, we feel something negative. As somebody who has and does go through this on a daily basis, I can confirm it is confusing and at times terrifying. The one thing that keeps me going, is focusing on the fact that these feelings are being created by a physical change in the brain which is caused by a mental illness, so in that sense, they are not typically "natural" feelings.

What next, though? If the things you used to enjoy give you no pleasure, what are you supposed to do in terms of self care? This is something I struggle with but @blurtfoundations #365daysofselfcare campaign reminded me that even the smallest and seemingly least significant activity can make a massive difference to the way you feel. I do these things when I feel like I seriously need to focus on self care.

1. Meditate.

I don't burn incense or sit cross legged and barefoot on the floor while chanting and listening to wind chimes, but I do sit for 10 minutes and focus on the physical sensations, sounds and other non visual senses. All this does is provide me with an opportunity to "observe" how I'm feeling without being consumed by overwhelming negative thoughts. One of the main symptoms of my condition is that I sometimes feel detached from reality and don't really know how I'm feeling from one moment to the next. It's taken a lot of practice and honestly, some days I can't manage it, but when I do manage to meditate, it often allows me to acknowledge the fact that I feel depressed or anxious without spiralling in to a full blown panic attack or further negative thinking.

2. Put my health first.

This is probably the hardest part of the whole process. When I have established how I'm feeling, this stage is when I decided what I'm capable of doing. With things like work and money to consider, it can feel impossible to put your health before the never ending drive to acquire more currency or to cement your reputation in the professional world, but ignoring these feelings and just carrying on (or "manning up" as the truly ignorant might say) can make things far worse than you can imagine. The last time I tried to "man up" and just get on with things, I took a terrible minimum wage job in a callcentre to pay my way. Within three weeks I had been prescribed Valium for severe anxiety and been signed off work for two weeks. As I was working on a zero hour contract, that meant no pay. I'm sure I was entitled to statutory sick pay but I didn't feel capable of going through the process to claim for it. This step isn't really a solution, it's basically harm reduction. The financial problems that come with mental health problems could take up a full blog post on their own so I won't pretend I have any easy answers about that, but I will say that if you don't acknowledge the way you feel and put your health first, things will definitely get much worse. In other words, if you feel like crying, vomiting or hurting yourself when you think about going to work, it's probably time to do something to help yourself.

3. Accept that you're ill.
This can be a difficult stage as well. I can physically walk around, I can put one foot in front of the other and go to the kitchen to fill up a glass of water and microwave a bowl of soup, so surely I'll be able to leave the house and get on with my life as normal. No, this isn't the case, unfortunately. When depression really kicks in, doing things as simple as feeding and washing yourself become almost impossible. A trip to the bathroom requires half an hours planning and mental effort. Imagine you've just got back from a festival or you've just finished a race. Your body and mind are so fatigued that all you want to do is sleep. That's how it feels when you have depression. That's why it's not as simple as just "getting on with it." If you feel like this, accept it and try to understand that this is an illness, you are not being lazy or weak. It is not your fault. If you had a broken leg, you wouldn't be able to walk properly and more importantly, nobody would expect you to. When you have depression, you shouldn't be expected to function normally. Unfortunately, the world and indeed, the systems of financial and medical support we have need to catch up with this way of thinking but this is basically why it's ok for you to stop trying to pretend everything's alright when it really isn't.

4. Take care of the basics.
So now that you've accepted you are ill, there are a few things you can do to make sure things don't get a lot worse. Eating, drinking and washing are the three main ones. Even if you can only manage to microwave some soup, drink a glass of water and get in the shower for five minutes, it's important to prioritise these things if you can. If you're anything like me, it probably won't have an effect on your mood but it will mean you can avoid physical health problems that come from malnutrition and neglecting personal hygiene. Get fed, watered and clean every day and you're doing well. Seriously, that's a huge part of the process taken care of, so if you manage to do these things, reward yourself.

(If you can't manage to do these things and you feel like your health is deteriorating further, this would be the stage to seek further help from a friend, family member or a GP.)

5. Do something that makes you feel good.

This is the part of the process that is probably the most misunderstood and perhaps the reason that ignorant people label those with mental health problems lazy and weak. "Sitting around and doing things that make you feel good is all very nice but haven't you got work to be getting on with? I wish I could sit at home eating crisps and watching Netflix all day!" If you've ever returned to work after having time off for mental health problems, this is probably something you've heard. Not only is this attitude ignorant, it's also offensive. If somebody with a physical injury was confined to bed, it's unlikely people would say "I wish I got to have a sleep in and stay in bed all day." It doesn't really make sense. The pleasure of sleeping in and staying in bed is so vastly outweighed by the physical illness the thought wouldn't even cross our minds.

So at this point, even if it is difficult, it's important to understand that being kind to yourself and allowing yourself to do something that makes you feel good is not some kind of illicit, skivey treat, but actual treatment of your condition. By doing something you enjoy, you are allowing yourself the best chance for your brain to release the chemicals associated with pleasure and happiness and consequently, you are are also providing yourself with the best chance of recovery.

When things get so bad that you've lost interest in the things you used to enjoy, something that can allow you to feel pleasure is to engage in an activity you used to enjoy without expecting to feel anything positive. This can feel like as much of a struggle as anything else but it is often worth trying. I play old computer games, watch films I used to watch as a kid, listen to music, read fiction, eat sweets, text friends. Sometimes I manage to relax enough to forget about the illness for a while. It took me around a day and a half of pure anxiety to settle down recently but eventually, I did manage to feel calm enough to focus on something. After losing myself in an old computer game for a few hours I eventually managed a few smiles and one or two moments of genuine enjoyment. It might seem insignificant but by doing this, I've changed the way I feel for the better and taken control of a situation that felt previously unmanageable.

The world can seem like it's against people with mental health problems and people might even shout advice at you but it's important to remember to pay attention to how you really feel, then do something about it. As always, this was written in one go so I hope it makes sense and as always, if you are suffering with a mental health problem, I hope this post has helped in some way.

X

It's really not what you think.

It's been a while since my last blog post. I've been busy working from home and have found it pretty difficult to motivate myself to write anything that I'm not being paid for. It obviously takes up free time and effort, so the absence of any kind of tangible reward makes motivation hard to find at times.

This time, I'd like to talk about Mental Health services. Since moving to Manchester I've been on a waiting list for high intensity psychological therapy. After around 15 months I've finally spoken to a qualified psychologist who explained that I will need to wait another six months before I can begin the complex work that I need to do. In the interim, I've been referred to a mindfulness service. Something I feel quite positive about as my own experiences of using mindfulness to assess my moods has been quite effective. The psychologist I spoke to was brilliantly empathetic, extremely well qualified and listened carefully to my previous experiences of therapy and how I felt about them.

For those unfamiliar with talking therapy, there are a lot of different types. I've been through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Transactional Analysis, Person Centred and probably other types. Depending on a person's needs, each type of therapy can be extremely effective but can also create further problems if the main issues a patient needs to discuss are not addressed.

My experience of being assessed and referred to services might be helpful or at least interesting to anybody experiencing a similar situation.

Assessments often take place over the phone. You will be asked about how you feel each day in specific terms and usually to rate your experiences on a numbered scale. So for example, do you feel as if you would be better off dead or hurting yourself in some way. 1 being not at all, 9 being all the time.

This can be a very effective way of obtaining an overall picture of how a person may be feeling, however, the prescriptive nature of the process and the increase in the use of lower level practitioners can often lead to a dehumanised, impersonal and systematic approach to problems which are by their very nature, human and difficult to quantify.

Having suffered with severe depression and anxiety for over 7 years and having been through a range of different treatment options and still not, "fixed" I became very frustrated with the way things seemed to work. The services to help people with mental health issues do exist but unless your problem can be fixed by a short, six week block of sessions or an online tool, the chances are you will find them woefully inadequate to meet your needs.

The practitioners I've spoken to have been incredibly kind and well meaning. I've been told not to beat myself up so much, to be kinder to myself and to "lighten up." One of them even suggested I took a day trip to the seaside town of Whitby... (She was probably my least favourite.) The issue here is that after paying for some in depth psychological therapy, (transactional analysis) I have been able to ascertain some of the things that make me the way that I am. It was painful, difficult and exhausting, but it's also the reason I'm not dead and able to function in a job now, rather than lying in bed feeling numb or worse. The thing with that kind of therapy, is that it requires a practitioner who is very experienced or qualified to go in to a lot of depth with an individual. Most of the lesser qualified practitioners I have spoken to were very nice but some seemed to struggle with non standard English to such a degree, the process itself became almost as frustrating as the condition it was designed to treat.

One practitioner asked me; "So, how did you feel when you decided not to kill yourself." I replied with "indifferent." She said "different to what?" "No." I said. "Indifferent." "I don't know what you mean." She said. Now this isn't really anyone's fault, but that kind of situation shouldn't arise. Having the courage, patience and resilience to seek help and then go through the numerous assessment processes is a difficult enough experience for the individual involved without problems with communication from the practitioner who has been assigned to help  them.

So for now, I'm trying to keep up with mindfulness exercises and am looking forward to (that should probably read, nervously anticipating)  the day that my actual psychological therapy starts again. I know I shouldn't beat myself up and I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but if it was as simple as hearing somebody say that a few times, I'd have been "fixed" by my loving friends and family years ago. There is no easy solution to mental health issues, the fact is, it's a complicated and challenging area that requires an army of highly qualified medical professionals rather than lots of well meaning but less educated practitioners to tick some boxes and make it look as if something is being done.

 Kind words almost always help and probably more than you think, too. They aren't a substitute for actual medical treatment, though. That takes time, for the practitioner to understand the patient, money, to pay the wages of somebody who has a higher level (Masters or above) qualification in a relevant area and lastly, awareness. That's an ethereal word that doesn't mean very much to a lot of people. "Raising awareness" usually means wearing a ribbon or a bit of rubber around your wrist or maybe even not drinking for a while in return for sponsor money. Nobody seems especially "aware" of the cause they are campaigning for because the cause is usually a complex, difficult and nuanced entity that can't be reduced to a few simple words or phrases.  By "awareness" I mean a genuine, tacit understanding that mental health problems are as debilitating and as life threatening as physical ones and should therefore be given the same amount of money and time by our health service. If it seems unrealistic to assign a psychologist to everybody in the UK who has severe depression, I think you might begin to see the scale of the problem. I'm tired of feeling as if I should be grateful for inadequate treatment and I have a feeling I'm probably not the only one.

I'll probably write another one of these soon. As always, if you are going though any kind of mental health issue. I hope this has been helpful in some way. X

Social Media and Mental Health

Social media can be a blessing and a curse in equal measure when you have mental health problems. On one hand, the words of support and the connections you can establish with other people who suffer with similar conditions can lift your spirits enough to function for another day, saying that, the shiny, heavily edited versions of other people's lives can make you feel inadequate, isolated and as if your life is empty and boring by comparison. When I'm at my lowest, as I have been for the past couple of days, I have a tendency to spend a lot of time aimlessly scrolling through my timeline commenting on everything and anything. The sense of suspended reality is often a welcome break from the veritable shit storm of self loathing and anxiety that's in my head at the time. I'm lucky enough to have a lot of extremely understanding and supportive friends in this country and overseas, so when I do pluck up the courage to explain that I'm struggling to function, it's never very long before somebody says something kind. As trivial as it may sound, even the simplest words of encouragement give me enough of a boost in mood and self esteem that my levels of self hatred and that horrible sense of utter hopelessness dissipates enough for me to get dressed or leave the house.

One of the weirdest things about depression and anxiety is that it can attack you when you least expect it. Recently, I've been working towards making a living from freelance writing. This always seemed something of an impossible dream and after years of roles that left me unsatisfied, unduly stressed and like I truly didn't belong, I have finally managed to secure something that I can do from home for a wage that I can live on. You would imagine id be extremely happy and usually, you'd be right. Unfortunately, over the past couple of days all my brain could throw up at me was "what if it all goes wrong?" That sense of seemingly inevitable disaster hangs over everything I do. My medication quells it a little bit as does talking things out with therapists and friends/family. Unfortunately, the last few days have felt almost impossible and if it weren't for the kind words on Facebook and Twitter to remind me that I'm not some kind of friendless, hopeless loser as my brain insisted on telling me, I'm not sure I would be functioning now.

The other side of social media is pretty dark. This unreality masquerading as real life has changed the way we think and interact. Many people never mention the less positive aspects of life, the fact that social events always contain good and bad elements or that the anticipation of an event is often equal to or better than the event itself. If we believed the Facebook version of our lives, we would be constantly smiling in a sea of blissful joy, but we're not. Nobody is. The reality of life is that we have moments of happiness and moments of sadness, that happens to everybody, whether you have mental health problems or not. When you feel at your lowest, scrolling through a timeline full of relentless positivity and occasionally boastful status updates can be difficult and damaging to your wellbeing.

Like everything, balance seems to be key but is often difficult to find. I'll never be one of those people who shuns technology in favour of a purely organic lifestyle. I enjoy computer games, online discussions and other forms of digital entertainment too much. I also enjoy being outside now and then, I've even climbed mountains for fun on occasion. I do enjoy the break from digital reality that being outdoors and away from a screen can provide. It's not conscious but something about removing yourself from your usual environment allows you to think differently. Perhaps there is something to be said for engaging with things that don't involve staying indoors... Saying that, the discomfort of camping outweighs the pleasure for me, so give me a decent bnb after scrambling about in the hills and I'm golden. The disconnection from modern life that periods away from social media provides can be useful in that it allows you to interact with other people on a face to face basis without filters or augmented versions of a certain reality. Work, social life and my other interests do require an Internet connection, though, so the idea of living without one makes me feel extremely uncomfortable for obvious reasons.

The point here is that social media and other forms of screen based distractions can stop us from actually feeling or acknowledging what we are really going though. It's far easier to get lost in a Vice article or a poll about whether or not David Cameron should resign than it is to sit for ten minutes and actually allow yourself to feel what you're really feeling, then make a plan to cope with it. The fact is, when I do allow myself to stop and experience my thoughts and feelings without distractions, they are mostly very unpleasant. This is the point that I try to do something about the situation. Challenging the negative thoughts as they happen can be helpful if you're feeling strong enough that day but if yore not, a few kind words from a friend overseas or one in a different city can be enough to get me through. One of the warning signs I have learned to identify is spending hours on social media procrastinating rather than doing anything of value. Invariably, when I do sit for ten minutes after periods like this, the overwhelming emotion I feel is fear. Not about anything in particular, just a huge, crippling sense of anxiety that makes me sick to my stomach. Sometimes it passes, sometimes I can talk it out or reason with myself, other times I feel defeated by it and explain as much in a tweet or status update. I don't have any solutions other than recognising patterns of behaviour, trying to act on them and also trying to achieve a balance between living online and in the physical world.

As always, this post was written in one go (on a bus as it happens) so I hope it makes sense. Thanks for all the positive feedback people have given me and if you do suffer with mental health problems, I wish you the strength to carry on for another day.

Identifying negative thoughts as they happen.

When you've lived with depression for a while, you might be able to start identifying negative thought patterns. It's extremely difficult and it involves questioning what feels like an instinctive reaction to your surroundings or situation. For example, you've had a fairly standard day at work, nothing went wrong and there's no major crisis on the horizon, yet all you can think about is what you would like to say to people you have argued with in the past. The thoughts take over so much that you get angry and fidgety, after that you get anxious because you want to be able to control your thoughts but you can't. As anybody who has had therapy will tell you, when people talk about this sort of thing using the word "you" they really mean "I." I experience these things frequently and they take a massive amount of time consuming, energy draining effort to get over. Today, after I finished work, my thoughts seemed uncontrollable and fluctuated between extreme anger at trivial situations in my personal life and deep sadness that left me on the brink of tears. Nothing I can think of has triggered this, but unfortunately, I expect to feel like this for the rest of the day. 

I have been waiting to hear from an NHS psychologist for almost a year and the service that I have been referred to in the mean time is well meaning but fairly new, meaning that it isn't organised as well as it could be. I was promised four telephone counselling sessions with a therapist but have yet to hear anything. Searching for drug free treatment that doesn't cost more than somebody who is struggling to survive on a series of sporadic zero hour contracts can afford could be a full time job in itself. Unfortunately, as anybody without the benefit of significant financial support will understand, the reality of living with depression and anxiety means balancing an often mentally or physically draining job with the rest of your self care, alongside a social life, relationships and the other things that make up your life. This can be extremely difficult on good days but on days like this, it feels almost impossible. 

What I have learned to do through a combination of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and my own research, is identify negative thoughts as they arise or shortly afterwards. My coping strategy unfortunately involves withdrawing from social situations and communicating with as few people as possible to minimise the risk of me saying or doing something I regret. In the past, before I learned to identify negative thoughts, they would control my actions before I realised what was happening, often leaving me in a state of guilt or embarrassment once I had processed them. Action is usually a positive thing when coping with a health problem but in this case, it seems as if not acting on my thoughts is the safest way to get through an episode of extreme depression or anxiety. Identifying why I feel the way I do can take a lot of time and rigorous analysis of my own, often alarming thoughts can be as damaging as it can be productive, depending on the day. Rather than dwelling on the negativity, I try to observe the thoughts happening in an objective way. This is extremely difficult and can unfortunately take up most of your free time, which inevitably leads to more negative thoughts. It seems reasonable to have thoughts like "why is everybody else enjoying their free time while I have to spend mine preventing myself from hurting myself or lashing out at people around me?" I really wish I had a more pleasant answer but that is unfortunately what it takes. Taking control of this horrible condition requires dedication and grit beyond the levels that most people will ever have to muster. Support from loved ones can be extremely helpful, too, but if you feel like I do on days like this, you will struggle to verbalise what you are feeling, let alone why. 

Writing this blog post has been quite cathartic and I although I don't feel any better emotionally or physically, I do take some comfort from the fact that these posts might help other people who suffer with this kind of condition. If you can learn to identify negative thoughts that are disconnected from your everyday life before you act on them, you have made a massive leap forward. Around three years ago, if I started to feel this way, it would lead to weeks of blazing arguments with my partner, thoughts of self harm and suicide plus an eventual collapse due to physical and mental exhaustion. At the moment, I feel terrible but I am fairly certain that this feeling will pass and that it is a symptom of my illness, rather than how I really feel. If I'm honest, it is absolutely terrifying. To those who have never experienced a mental health problem, try to imagine feeling such hate and resentment for those close to you for no good reason you can think of. Also, try to imagine feeling such misery that you can't enjoy even the most simple of pleasures like eating food or watching TV. Everything seems grey and lifeless but you have no idea why. The most frustrating part about this illness is that you want to be able to explain that an event at work or a problem you've been dwelling on is to blame for these feelings but you can't. The feelings are just there. As Steven Fry, a man who has famously battled mental health problems all of his life, once said:

“If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.

Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.” 

If this post helped you or made you feel like somebody else understands what you are going through, I have done what I intended to do. This was written in about 15-20 minutes with no edits so I hope it makes sense. Although I am aiming to work as a professional writer, I feel this blog is more authentic if I allow myself to write down my thoughts as they happen. Thanks for reading and I hope you can find the strength to get through another day. 

 

What are the symptoms of an illness you can't see?

I've lived with this condition for a long time and this post is a fairly bleak but honest account of some of the things I experience. 

What is Depression? 

In my last post, I explained that depression is not sadness, it's a complicated disease that causes physical and emotional effects on an individual. That goes some way to explaining what it isn't, but it doesn't really define what it actually is. Unfortunately, like many mental health conditions, the symptoms of this horrible illness can vary so much from person to person that it's difficult to give a simple definition. I'm going to try and explain my own experiences which might give you an insight in to what this condition does to people.

Low mood:

Sadness is part of it, but it's more than that. When life makes you feel sad, it's horrible, but try to imagine feeling sad for absolutely no reason you can think of. I can remember being given a free ticket to watch one of my best friend's bands support the Wailers in Newcastle. As I stood in the middle of the crowd, his arm around my shoulder, listening to the crowd singing along to "Three Little Birds" I felt nothing but emptiness and isolation. As everybody sang the words "cos, every little thing's going to be alright!" I couldn't have felt any lower. All around me were smiling faces and cheerful voices, yet all I could feel was misery and a sense that I didn't  belong there. At the time, I was living with my partner of several years, and although I wasn't working, I was well supported. There didn't seem to be any reason, at that moment at least, for me to feel miserable. Yet there I was, with a bitter lump in my throat, trying to force smiles at friends I had known for almost 20 years.

Social Anxiety:

Unfortunately, when it  came to social events and things I had previously enjoyed, I suddenly started feeling massive levels of anxiety based around practical things like explaining why I couldn't go to work or the fact that all I had managed to do that day was lie in bed and cry. The fact is, most of my friends would either not ask me about things like that or be supportive when they did, but in my head, in my anxiety riddled head, they would screech insults at me and tell me to get a grip. The anticipation was usually worse than actually going to a social event but at times, and this still happens, I can feel so out of place and inexplicably anxious that I can't even follow the conversation.

Lack of enjoyment of activities:

At this point, solitary activities like writing, gaming or my other chosen pass-time, DJing can seem like more appealing options than socialising. To be fair, even when I'm feeling ok, this can be the case but there's a big difference between choosing isolation to give yourself some you time and feeling as if it's your only option. Unfortunately, when depression, anxiety or both decide to take hold of me, solitary things bring me no pleasure either. I can spend hours, literally full days mixing records, playing computer games or writing things when I feel ok, but when I'm in the grips of depression everything I do feels pointless, tiring and more effort than its worth. On the worst days, that can include getting out of bed or leaving the house.

Digestive problems:

This one is probably more to do with anxiety than depression but as anybody who has suffered with the condition will know, the two often go hand in hand, like some kind of brutal, unforgiving tag team. This surprised me. Thinking that mental health was exclusively to do with the mind, rather than the body, meant that when I got stomach cramps, digestive problems and more, I thought this could be some kind of allergic reaction or another type of illness. After doing some research and speaking to my GP I managed to find out that anxiety can impact on the body as negatively as the mind. On top of this, my appetite can fluctuate between practically nonexistent to never satisfied depending on the day. A sense of routine can help at times, but not always.

Aches and Pains:

Similarly, when I felt my arms and legs ache as if I had the flu, I wondered if I had come down with some kind of virus. When I found myself physically struggling to get out of bed and sweating from the exertion of just tidying the house, I started to realise that this was all linked to my mental health. I felt so heavy and lethargic that my limbs ached as if I had been exercising; something I felt I could not manage to do, even if you paid me. My head pounded and my stomach gurgled, yet there were and still are millions of people out there who truly believe that this illness is "all in my head" and that I should "man up." Whatever that means. Can you "woman up?" I think they might be better at it,  whatever it is. The point is, no amount of teeth gritting or wilful ignorance could make the physical pain and discomfort I was and do experience go away.  

Forgetfulness, clumsiness and loss of the ability think quickly:

Although everybody can have bad days, this goes way beyond that. This symptom can be so acute that I suddenly become severely clumsy, to the point where I break things and find it difficult to remember things people have only just told me. I'm not sure whether this is related to depression, anxiety or both, but when I'm at my worst, I struggle so much with this that I feel like I can barely function. These are the days I need to take off work. I've left gas rings on, put keys in the fridge, forgotten about meeting people, even doctor's appointments. It's as if the anxious part of my brain has taken over my subconscious, meaning that all I can do is bumble around in an unproductive stupor. In some ways, this is actually what is happening. The hippocampus, which is the part of the brain that deals with memory and emotion, physically shrinks when a person has depression. In this sense, the condition is as much physical as it is "mental." This goes some way to explaining the unpredictable patterns of behaviour and mood that define so many people's experience of this horrific illness. Although it is both painful and difficult to admit, I feel utterly empty on some days, inexplicably angry on others and desperately miserable on others. The most difficult days are when those three feelings battle for space in my head. Again, these days are the ones where I seriously struggle to function. The presence of numbing SSRI's can both help and hinder this. I have no idea if they're even helping any more but my current dose of 20mg of citalopram seems to even me out enough to eat, wash and survive, even on the days I have thoughts of self harm and worse.

I decided to share this post to let people know what some of the symptoms of depression can be. It's not a definitive list and I can only recount my own experiences, but if you can relate to this, please share it. Eventually, everybody will understand that mental health is not just about what goes on inside a person's head.