When anxiety decides it wants to mess your life up, it doesn't negotiate. I've spent the whole of today feeling as if I'm about to go in to an important job interview or deliver a presentation to 500 people.What I'm actually preparing to do is so simple and innocuous I feel utterly ridiculous for reacting like this. I'm going to visit my family and friends for Christmas. That's it. I have a brilliant relationship with my family and friends. I don't feel like I have to hide anything or pretend to be happy, as so many who suffer with mental issues do, but despite all of my rationalising and analysis of a situation that should be one of the highlights of my year, I've barely been able to function today.
This time of year can be so difficult due to the dark days and the terrible weather but these things are to be expected. If you're a bit of a cynic, like me, the glittering turd that is the media's representation of Christmas can wear you down with its promises of purchasing based joy. I'm sort of used to all of those things now, though. The thing that takes me by surprise every time is that no matter how hard I try to feel good about this time of year, no matter how many times I explain how simple and easy the situation really is to myself, my body and brain are flooded with adrenaline and cortisol. I'm primed to argue, fight or escape. None of the things I really want to do at Christmas. I'd rather just relax with my friends and enjoy seeing my family. For me, there are some external factors at play, here. I have recently decided to start an online writing business, so the stress and uncertainty of that will probably be an issue. I've also just started seeing a psychologist after two years on a waiting list. The sessions have been intense and tiring, but incredibly enlightening. Despite what all those soft focus pictures emblazoned with comic sans text that people post on social media may try and tell you, according to science, depression and anxiety are not choices, they are illness caused by chemical imbalances in the brain.
Knowing this gives me a sense of relief in some ways. As you can imagine, I don't actually feel any better and I still get incredibly frustrated with myself when I don't feel like I'm in control of the way I feel. Tonight, I was supposed to be going to meet some friends for drinks and Arcade based fun but considering it's taken me around four hours to get out of bed, I just can't face it. Once again, my friends are excellent and told me not to worry about it. I find that when I'm 100% honest with the people I care about, they understand why I might cancel plans. Although I can't help but blame myself, they don't, which means a lot to me.
If I frame the last two years objectively, things have been good. I've moved to a new city, made new friends, secured myself DJ gigs and worked in a few different jobs. Now I'm starting my own business with the hope of leaving the 9-5 office lifestyle behind for good. Logically, there's very little reason for me to feel the way I do, but as I've said before in this blog. Depression and anxiety are not rational or logical.
So for tonight, I'm packing for a trip back up North that I will no doubt enjoy immensely. I'm DJing to a crowd of people who love my music, I get see my 1 year old nephew who finds me hilarious and I also get to catch up with my family, who are as supportive and patient as you can imagine. All I need to do now is wait for the feeling that I'm about to deliver bad news to a crowd of people armed with bricks and bottles to dissipate. I don't think I've said anything especially new here but I'm fairly sure there will be a lot of people out there who feel this way around this time of year. So whatever you're doing, I hope you stay alive, stay safe and get through this weird thing we call Christmas.
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