After a year that's given us more celebrity deaths than Mars Attacks and the kind of news stories that belong on Chris Morris' "Brass Eye" it seems reasonable that a lot of people are feeling miserable. As I've said in this blog before, misery and depression are completely separate things, but if you already have a mental health condition, a year like this can really tip the scales at times.
We know 2016 has been bad, though. I'm sick of hearing how bad it's been. I was there, I remember the sick, panicky feeling in my stomach the morning after hordes of angry people voted for Brexit. I don't usually feel like that unless my anxiety decides to kick in, life events pass by to moderate or nonchalant reactions due to the numbing effect of citalopram, but that morning I felt sick, just from watching the news. I'm sure a lot of other people felt the same. The less said about our religious, grey faced and hyper patriotic leader, the better and let's just not even go there when it comes to the other guy. You know. The orange one who's a bit grabby and racist. Lives in America. Terrible man. Terrible, terrible man.
What I'd like to do is offer some positivity. If you know me or if you've read this blog before, you'll know I'm not a fan of sweeping statements and over emotive quotes on social media. Similarly, the huge number of self care posts that seem to suggest an imbalance in brain chemistry coupled with traumatic events or injury can be fixed by eating chocolate and having a bubble bath are extremely irritating. That said, I want to try and stay positive against the odds. So no more criticism in this post, there will be plenty time for that next year.
This year, I left a terrible job in a callcentre. I initially felt like a failure as I lay in bed, numb from Valium and no sleep. Surely I should have been able to manage something as basic as data entry in a cell centre? No. I couldn't. My brain shut down, it became so anxious I felt sick and the noise of people chattering around me meant I couldn't concentrate on anything. My doctor signed me off and urged me to find a new job, ideally something I actually enjoy, at least some of the time.
I went back to supply teaching/learning support. It was ok. Badly paid and boring if I'm honest. I had no passion for it and the less said about the state of the education system in the UK, the better. I was a teacher of one form or another for years but it never felt right for me. It's so restrictive. The nature of the role means you're scrutinised and expected to be a model human. I'm not a shining example of moral and educational excellence, I enjoy a life that contains many, many things that would be considered "NSFW" and I eventually realised, I'm fine with that. So I left. I started freelancing. It wasn't the most interesting job, but it gave me the experience of writing stuff for money (alongside a lot of admin) as well as managing my own work load. It was tough, but compared to waking up feeling sick with anxiety at the thought of having to make small talk in an office, it was much, much better.
After the job ended I did another short stint of supply teaching/support to get by. Then something snapped. I realised I had to change something, so I decided to start my own online writing business. It's still in it's early stages and if I'm honest, I'm terrified about the uncertainty the future holds when I think about it, but I needed to make a change. After researching other content writers who work from home, I realised a lot of people do this. There's money to be made. Not mega bucks but I've never been especially driven by cash anyway. Enjoying my life always seemed more important. After losing two friends who were under the age of 35, I started to question that horrific daily grind and the misery it brings. I'm not doing it any more. Instead, I'm trying to convince myself that I can be a successful online content writer that works from home. I've got some experience now and I can string a sentence together without too much difficulty, so I think I've got a good chance of making this work.
If it doesn't work, there are other options. Working for agencies, part time bar work with occasional writing work alongside. DJing work if I can get it.
I'm probably the most skint I've ever been but now that I'm seeing a proper clinical psychologist, living in a city I love with people I love, I'm genuinely starting to feel the faint flickers of the flame of positivity. So no more complaining about the horrific year behind us. I need to focus on what could go well, what opportunities are ahead and how much better I can potentially feel. If you're with me and you support me, thank you. If you aren't, please take your negativity and go elsewhere. I don't have the time or the strength to deal with happiness theives any more.
Good luck with whatever you are doing in 2017 and if you suffer with mental health issues, I wish you the strength to carry on and overcome.
X
No comments:
Post a Comment