Happy New Year.

After a year that's given us more celebrity deaths than Mars Attacks and the kind of news stories that belong on Chris Morris' "Brass Eye" it seems reasonable that a lot of people are feeling miserable. As I've said in this blog before, misery and depression are completely separate things, but if you already have a mental health condition, a year like this can really tip the scales at times.

We know 2016 has been bad, though. I'm sick of hearing how bad it's been. I was there, I remember the sick, panicky feeling in my stomach the morning after hordes of angry people voted for Brexit. I don't usually feel like that unless my anxiety decides to kick in, life events pass by to moderate or nonchalant reactions due to the numbing effect of citalopram, but that morning I felt sick, just from watching the news. I'm sure a lot of other people felt the same. The less said about our religious, grey faced and hyper patriotic leader, the better and let's just not even go there when it comes to the other guy. You know. The orange one who's a bit grabby and racist. Lives in America. Terrible man. Terrible, terrible man.

What I'd like to do is offer some positivity. If you know me or if you've read this blog before, you'll know I'm not a fan of sweeping statements and over emotive quotes on social media. Similarly, the huge number of self care posts that seem to suggest an imbalance in brain chemistry coupled with traumatic events or injury can be fixed by eating chocolate and having a bubble bath are extremely irritating. That said, I want to try and stay positive against the odds. So no more criticism in this post, there will be plenty time for that next year.

This year, I left a terrible job in a callcentre. I initially felt like a failure as I lay in bed, numb from Valium and no sleep. Surely I should have been able to manage something as basic as data entry in a cell centre? No. I couldn't. My brain shut down, it became so anxious I felt sick and the noise of people chattering around me meant I couldn't concentrate on anything. My doctor signed me off and urged me to find a new job, ideally something I actually enjoy, at least some of the time.

I went back to supply teaching/learning support. It was ok. Badly paid and boring if I'm honest. I had no passion for it and the less said about the state of the education system in the UK, the better. I was a teacher of one form or another for years but it never felt right for me. It's so restrictive. The nature of the role means you're scrutinised and expected to be a model human. I'm not a shining example of moral and educational excellence, I enjoy a life that contains many, many things that would be considered "NSFW" and I eventually realised, I'm fine with that. So I left. I started freelancing. It wasn't the most interesting job, but it gave me the experience of writing stuff for money (alongside a lot of admin) as well as managing my own work load. It was tough, but compared to waking up feeling sick with anxiety at the thought of having to make small talk in an office, it was much, much better.

After the job ended I did another short stint of supply teaching/support to get by. Then something snapped. I realised I had to change something, so I decided to start my own online writing business. It's still in it's early stages and if I'm honest, I'm terrified about the uncertainty the future holds when I think about it, but I needed to make a change. After researching other content writers who work from home, I realised a lot of people do this. There's money to be made. Not mega bucks but I've never been especially driven by cash anyway. Enjoying my life always seemed more important. After losing two friends who were under the age of 35, I started to question that horrific daily grind and the misery it brings. I'm not doing it any more. Instead, I'm trying to convince myself that I can be a successful online content writer that works from home. I've got some experience now and I can string a sentence together without too much difficulty, so I think I've got a good chance of making this work.
If it doesn't work, there are other options. Working for agencies, part time bar work with occasional writing work alongside. DJing work if I can get it.
I'm probably the most skint I've ever been but now that I'm seeing a proper clinical psychologist, living in a city I love with people I love, I'm genuinely starting to feel the faint flickers of the flame of positivity. So no more complaining about the horrific year behind us. I need to focus on what could go well, what opportunities are ahead and how much better I can potentially feel. If you're with me and you support me, thank you. If you aren't, please take your negativity and go elsewhere. I don't have the time or the strength to deal with happiness theives  any more.

Good luck with whatever you are doing in 2017 and if you suffer with mental health issues, I wish you the strength to carry on and overcome.
X

Merry Christmas

When anxiety decides it wants to mess your life up, it doesn't negotiate. I've spent the whole of today feeling as if I'm about to go in to an important job interview or deliver a presentation to 500 people.What I'm actually preparing to do is so simple and innocuous I feel utterly ridiculous for reacting like this. I'm going to visit my family and friends for Christmas. That's it. I have a brilliant relationship with my family and friends. I don't feel like I have to hide anything or pretend to be happy, as so many who suffer with mental issues do, but despite all of my rationalising and analysis of a situation that should be one of the highlights of my year, I've barely been able to function today.

This time of year can be so difficult due to the dark days and the terrible weather but these things are to be expected. If you're a bit of a cynic, like me, the glittering turd that is the media's representation of Christmas can wear you down with its promises of purchasing based joy. I'm sort of used to all of those things now, though. The thing that takes me by surprise every time is that no matter how hard I try to feel good about this time of year, no matter how many times I explain how simple and easy the situation really is to myself, my body and brain are flooded with adrenaline and cortisol. I'm primed to argue, fight or escape. None of the things I really want to do at Christmas. I'd rather just relax with my friends and enjoy seeing my family. For me, there are some external factors at play, here. I have recently decided to start an online writing business, so the stress and uncertainty of that will probably be an issue. I've also just started seeing a psychologist after two years on a waiting list. The sessions have been intense and tiring, but incredibly enlightening. Despite what all those soft focus pictures emblazoned with comic sans text that people post on social media may try and tell you, according to science, depression and anxiety are not choices, they are illness caused by chemical imbalances in the brain.

Knowing this gives me a sense of relief in some ways. As you can imagine, I don't actually feel any better and I still get incredibly frustrated with myself when I don't feel like I'm in control of the way I feel. Tonight, I was supposed to be going to meet some friends for drinks and Arcade based fun but considering it's taken me around four hours to get out of bed, I just can't face it. Once again, my friends are excellent and told me not to worry about it. I find that when I'm 100% honest with the people I care about, they understand why I might cancel plans. Although I can't help but blame myself, they don't, which means a lot to me.

If I frame the last two years objectively, things have been good. I've moved to a new city, made new friends, secured myself DJ gigs and worked in a few different jobs. Now I'm starting my own business with the hope of leaving the 9-5 office lifestyle behind for good. Logically, there's very little reason for me to feel the way I do, but as I've said before in this blog. Depression and anxiety are not rational or logical.

So for tonight, I'm packing for a trip back up North that I will no doubt enjoy immensely. I'm DJing to a crowd of people who love my music, I get see my 1 year old nephew who finds me hilarious and I also get to catch up with my family, who are as supportive and patient as you can imagine. All I need to do now is wait for the feeling that I'm about to deliver bad news to a crowd of people armed with bricks and bottles to dissipate. I don't think I've said anything especially new here but I'm fairly sure there will be a lot of people out there who feel this way around this time of year. So whatever you're doing, I hope you stay alive, stay safe and get through this weird thing we call Christmas.